{My Fight with the Scale and Myself}

The face in the picture on the right is of a happy baby.  A baby that her mom described as her “smiling & laughing baby.”  The face in the picture on the right has her whole life ahead of her, one who will grow up to love loving others & still smiling in pictures with the same exact wide face.  One who will love to sing to relieve stress, fashion, photography, and one who loves to give hugs and has a big, empathetic heart.

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What you wouldn’t know from looking at this picture on the right of this carefree and happy baby is that she would see suffering.  She will end up spending years hating her body and the thoughts that circle her head would be her worst enemy.  This face will eventually lose the light and happy smile because she won’t have the energy or feel like she deserves to smile so big anymore.  This face will experience anxiety and sadness that she never even knew existed.  This smiley baby in the picture on the right is me.

I don’t remember much of my childhood.  I know that it involved a move from Pennsylvania to New York.  It involved the divorce of my parents that happened at such a young age, I can’t really recall it.  It involved countless amounts of visits to multiple family members houses, there was always an assigned place for each holiday…a tradition to look forward to.  It involved times of adventure and make believe, climbing trees at grandma’s, eating fresh mint off the plant at grandpa’s, dressing like Mary Poppins for Halloween, ventures to the playground down the street where my sister, brother, and I just enjoyed being kids…when life was simpler, you know?  A time where our mom was our best friend and best supporter (she still is)…but it was at this time where I didn’t know anything about hurt, about true suffering.

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I was young. I was free. And I had no idea what was coming ahead.  I had no idea of the strength my mother had for all she was going through at the time.  I had no recollection of the suffering of both of my mom’s sisters and the daily struggles they deal with.  They were always just so happy when I saw them.  I was naive and couldn’t see the suffering in people’s eyes as I do today.

All throughout elementary and middle school I would get constant comments about my weight.  I was always really lanky and scrawny.  So was my brother and so was my sister.  We were just built that way as kids.  Our mom fed us three meals a day and we would have plenty of snacks…I guess we were just always thin people.  But little did I know that even at such a young age, those comments from others were being engraved in my mind.  I viewed them as compliments.  I didn’t receive any comments about my beauty when I was younger, it was always comments about my frame and how thin I was.

Fast forward to the beginning of high school when I was finally starting to get some curves, and gaining some much needed weight in certain areas.  I was still getting compliments from people about how thin I was, but the amount of compliments were definitely beginning to dwindle.  I viewed those compliments as defining my worth, that how my body looked defined my beauty because I never was complimented for how pretty I was.  I was confused and hurt as to why people stopped telling me this.  So this then lead to some intense body speculation…looking at every single area and pointing out every flaw, becoming disgusted at the amount of fat I was gaining, leaving red marks on my body from pinching myself so hard.

I then became aware of how my body would look every day.  My thoughts would constantly circle around how could I make myself look as thin as possible.  I would even over analyze about how I would sit in a chair so I could make my thighs look tiny.  At lunch, I always felt like I was being watched as I was eating.  I didn’t start withholding food until my junior year of high school, but I can definitely see that the eating disorder way of thinking started years before.

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My junior and senior year of high school are ones I will never forget.  One usually says that because it’s some of the best years of their young life, full of memories and carefree decisions.  For me, it was little different.  Junior year started out with a move from my home in New York, the town that I knew all my life.  My family and I packed up and moved down to North Carolina.  I don’t know if the move added to the depression I was feeling, but I certainly didn’t like the idea of leaving all my friends and family.

At this point, in mind, the “skinny compliments” were completely nonexistent.  I set in mind that I would do anything to get those compliments back, even if it meant starving myself.  So that’s what I did, and to be completely honest, I still battle with this today.  My anorexia battle became so out of control that all I could think about what food and how much I weighed at every single second of every single day.  Because of it, my grades in school plummeted and I lost friends.  Basically the complete opposite happened of what I thought would happen if I got skinnier.  I was left feeling unwanted and worthless.  Unwanted by my friends and family and mostly, unwanted by myself.

During all of this, I started to develop a pretty serious anxiety disorder, paired with very bad depression.  I was having panic attacks in school, my hands wouldn’t stop shaking, and there were days I didn’t want to get out of bed at all and face the emotions of the day.  I became afraid of myself and my feelings because sometimes the waves of depression hit me like an unexpected slap in the face.  The same would happen with my panic attacks.  Sometimes I would get them for no apparent reason.  I was scared and embarrassed.

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I almost didn’t graduate from high school with the rest of my class due to my eating disorder, anxiety, and depression.  This was because I had missed so much school and I didn’t have the motivation to do my schoolwork.  I had just given up.  I would focus on things that made me forget about the pain for a little bit, which was chorus and theatre.  They were my safe havens and my solace.  In those classes, I didn’t feel inferior.  I didn’t think about my weight.  I focused on the art I was creating.

There were many thoughts of self harm and actions of self harm.  There were also many thoughts about ending my life.  I didn’t want to deal with the voices inside my head anymore.  I felt that I wasn’t worthy of anything life had to offer me.  In my mind, I wasn’t going anywhere…I wasn’t going to have a successful career, I felt like a disappointment to my family….but for some reason there was always some little voice in my head telling me to keep going and keep fighting.  So that’s what I did.

With the help of my amazing mother, I got and I am still getting the help that I need.  My mom has never been hesitant to help me out when it comes to this stuff.  She might not always understand what I go through firsthand, but she’s always willing to listen and to give words guidance and love.  I couldn’t be more thankful for her.

I ended up graduating high school and went off to my freshman year of college with a different mindset.  I started befriending people who only want the best for me and have truly helped me during this recovery process.  I surrounded myself with positivity.  I am so blessed to know the people in my life today.  I am still dealing with my struggles every day.  Recovery is not just becoming 100 percent better in a week.  It can take a long time to truly feel yourself again, but I’m getting there.  I am now more than halfway through my sophomore year of college and to me, that’s truly an accomplishment because with my anxiety, I get overwhelmed by school very easily.  I try to enjoy everything I put into my body, knowing that it’s fuel for me to continue to do what I love.  I try to truly laugh every day.  I appreciate the small things.  I no longer have wads of hair falling out of my head in the shower.  People are telling me I have life in my eyes and I look healthy and truly happier…that I’m glowing.

10941415_10203682880700076_3078982288926509248_nWill I ever become the carefree, naive baby in the first picture again??…absolutely not.  Because that’s not life.  I have seen and experienced struggle.  My inner and outer scars continue to heal themselves every day.  It’s a sign to me that your body is always for you…it will fight for you to get better.  It has the power to heal itself.  Yes, you’re going to have some down days, that’s normal…but compared to where I was years ago, I couldn’t be more excited to see where my life is going. My mom’s “happy, smiley, and laughing” baby is finally getting her smile back.  Stay strong, my lovely people.

{A Title-less Rant for Your Tuesday}

Hello, lovely people! It’s been a little while since I’ve made a post & I believe it’s because I’ve been getting pretty sad, upset, and down on myself lately.  I’ve been having thoughts of self harm and multiple panic attacks…just a very sad couple of days. I hate feeling so “not myself”, you know? I started feeling like the old me, the one who didn’t believe that getting better and recovering was possible.

Lately though, I’ve been having trouble sleeping.  I’ve been having recurring nightmares about certain people leaving my life.  I’ve finally started looking out for myself and the friends that I choose to let in my life, I see this as another form of self love that I’m trying so hard to practice every day.  I used to have “friends” that were verbally abusive, degrading, selfish people.  I was attracted to having friends like that.  I don’t know why.  Maybe it’s a fault with having a lot of friends involved in the arts.  It’s a very self centered field. But, I’m learning to finally accept that I deserve to be friends with better people.

Even though I am finally starting to learn this, I have doubts every day.  Along with these doubts, I’m having nightmares that these friends will leave me forever and totally forget about me. It might seem stupid and pathetic and it sounds stupid and pathetic just typing it out.  Because with the past relationships I have built, my twisted brain likes to convince me that these amazing people in my life will end up leaving me.  My brain still tells me that I don’t deserve people treating me with good friendship.  It sounds twisted, I know, but that’s just how my brain works.

I have to keep in mind that I’m doing better than I was years ago. Years ago, I was constrained to my bed and my emotions. I didn’t have any motivation to do anything. Years ago, I didn’t care if the demons in my head swallowed me whole. Years ago, I didn’t care if I graduated high school or not because I didn’t see myself going anywhere in life. But look at how far I am now. I’m majoring in what I love in a school of music that I couldn’t be more happy to be a part of. In a couple short months, I’ll soon be an upperclassman in college. I’ve come so much farther in life than I thought I would. If that’s not something to be proud of, I don’t know what is.

I also need to get it engraved in my head that I do have amazing friends and I’m so worth loving.  I am worthy of the compassion and selflessness that people show me.  I am worthy of friendship, worthy of happiness, worthy of success, and worthy of recovery.

{Arrows Towards Atlanta}

I’m writing this post because for the past couple of days, I’ve been pretty down and sad…just not myself. So I decided to write about an experience that happened about a month ago that still brings joy and warmth to my heart. I took a roadtrip down to Atlanta with two of my very favorite people on this Earth. We were going to visit the So Worth Loving team at their headquarters and this whole trip really meant a lot to me, because the team means the world to me. We woke up early in the morning and got on the road. My anxiety and excitement heightened more and more as we crossed each state line, getting closer into Georgia.

I know that getting involved with So Worth Loving was a blessing from the Lord because they have opened my eyes to my worth and has helped me have an entire different outlook on my life. I could feel the Lord pulling me towards these people, whether it was driving across North Carolina to meet the team in Charlotte on their tour, or driving 8 hours to their headquarters. As we crossed the border into Georgia and started nearing Atlanta, the clouds started to form the most lovely of shapes and the sun was hitting them just right. The sky was also the most beautiful shade of blue.

It was then when Mary Kate, my wonderful roommate and friend, pointed out the most lovely thing. She mentioned that the clouds were taking the shape of arrows. Arrows have always been really special to me. I found a quote a while ago that really spoke to many aspects of my life. It says, “an arrow must be pulled back in order to be shot forward, so when life is pulling you back with difficulties, just know that soon you’ll be launched into something great.” This quote led to my tattoo of the arrow that I have on my left rib. So by seeing these arrow clouds in the sky, realizing that they were even pointing towards the direction of the city…I saw this as a sign from God that good things are in Atlanta for me. That this one visit wasnt going to be my last! God was showing me the direction I needed to go and it was just a lovely thing to experience.

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A Rant From Me For Your Wednesday

Hello my lovely people…well today has been quite an emotional one.  I had a test in my ethnocultural psychology class this morning that I spent quite a bit of time studying for and I got so worked up over the test that I just completely went blank.  Does that ever happen to anyone else?  I was freaking out because when I was studying the material, I was sort of retaining the information, but not 100% and I think it was that that freaked me out so much.  I ended up getting my grade on the test later tonight and I ended up failing it.  It makes me really sad because there’s nothing more frustrating than wanting to succeed so much in school and other things, but have your anxiety and depression stand in the way of doing so.  School is so hard for me, guys, but I’m so glad it’s almost the weekend and I can relax.

I feel like this day and age focuses so much on people’s success in school and grades are the most important thing.  I know of friends that are still in high school that are stressed to the point of sickness about their grades and they feel they have to be in every AP class that they’re school gives.  That just makes me sick…that people will feel less about themselves if they’re in a basic or non-honors class.  Your worth is not measured by the grades you get in school.  I’m still learning this, but I know that school is difficult for me and all I need to keep in my head is if I tried my hardest to do my best, and that’s all you can do.

Some other stresses came up today regarding my apartment situation for next year and that freaked me out because this is my first year in my own apartment and having to deal with all of this lease/rent stuff…super adult…hecka overwhelming sometimes.  Anyways, I was very stressed out and anxious and had multiple panic attacks during the day, but some advice from my mom helped me.  She told me that the Lord always has a plan for us and things will eventually work themselves out.  It reminded me of one of my favorite verses, Jeremiah 29:11 that says “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.” I just have to keep in mind that the Lord is in control and that I have to put my full trust in Him.

tumblr_lvx8doyeV61r4d8ljo1_500 As I’m sitting here and typing about all the troublesome and hard times of today, I’m realizing that there were actually some parts that were beautiful and made me happy.  I got to share some laughs with my roommates over a couple episodes of Parks and Recreation.  One of my favorite things to do is to curl up and watch things that make me laugh…like a true, deep, ab-building laugh.  We enjoyed some fresh chocolate chip cookies as we laughed together and just enjoyed each other’s company.

I also got to go out to dinner with one of my lovely friends who I adore more than anything because I haven’t spent time with her in what feels like forever!  We went to a place in town that she has never been to and again, we just enjoyed being in each others company and enjoyed having a friendship with each other that feels like it’s lasted a lot longer than it actually has.  I love finding those friends that just “get” you, you know?

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I then got home and started to get down on myself about the amount of food I’ve eaten recently and the amount of weight I’ve gained.  My torso shows it the most and I can feel the weight and fat when I sit down and hunch over.  I don’t know, my brain just started filling with self hate and thoughts of withholding food tomorrow, but I sat down and tried to refocus my thoughts.  I started thinking about how many people have been supporting me and helping me throughout my journey, people that have always been here for me, people who have told me that they seen so much more light in my face and how healthy I look.  I was able to redirect my thoughts.  I was so proud of myself.  I thought of how worthy I am of love and of life and of happiness.  I thought about all the laughs and moments I have yet to share with friends and family.  I thought about how far I’ve come and how sad it would be to go back to where I was.  I also thought about how tomorrow is another day and how Thursdays are my favorite day of the week, classes wise.

No matter how much darkness you might think you have in your life, I want to challenge you to truly sit down and think about positive aspects of it.  Right away you might deny this and say that nothing in your life is good…but you will be surprised at how even on your most dark and bad days, there are always little flickers of light.  These moments are the ones worth living for. tumblr_maj89om8zf1r3tt0go1_500

A Poem That I Have Fallen In Love With & Found While Meandering the Web

Chapter 1

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in.

I am lost … I am helpless.

It isn’t my fault …

It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don’t see it.

I fall in again.

I can’t believe I am in this same place.

But it isn’t my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it there.

I still fall … it’s a habit … but,

My eyes are open.

I know where I am.

It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street. 

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

Chapter 5

I walk down another street. 

-Autobiography in Five Short Chapters // Portia Nelson

{A Few Words on Friendship}

One thing that I used to hate about myself was the fact that I felt everything so very deeply.  I’m one to cry very easily at sappy movies, or watching weddings of people who I don’t even know.  I’m sure you know a friend like this…I happen to be one of them.  I have a very big heart that empathizes with people very easily.  I used to hate the fact that I would cry too much or get easily excited over things to the point where my cheeks get flushed and my hands shake.  I sometimes wished to be able to be what I thought was “normal” which meant to be able to be thrown into situations and not have my emotions get in the way too much.  I recently realized that wishing is not going to get me anywhere.

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These constant high and low emotions that I feel definitely play into my friendships with others.  I love way too deeply and I used to think it was an awful thing, but I’m learning that it can be both a blessing and a curse.  I don’t know if it’s just me or others feel this way, but if one of my friends is having a bad day or they are hurting, I hurt with them.  I will do anything in my power to be there for them and make them better. You might be thinking, “well why does she think this is a bad thing?” I’ll tell you why.

With loving others so deeply, one thing that I’m learning is that you can’t love others with the intentions that they’re going to love you back with the same fervor.  Everyone is so so different and show their love in different ways.  With my crazy emotions, I’ve gotten into ruts of sadness in friendships because I wasn’t getting the same love back and that lead me to think that my friends didn’t care for me.  I’m still struggling with this, but there was a time when I didn’t even have any recollection that people can show love in various ways.  Someone can show you they love you by telling you to buckle your seatbelt in a car, sending you unexpected texts telling you that something they saw reminded them of you and they smiled, laughed, etc.

Friendship is really such a beautiful thing and I’m so blessed to have so many friendships with people all around the world, thanks to social media!   I have true friends that I know I can turn to at any time and they will drop everything and help me.  I have ones who give great comfort through the words they speak and the advice they give.  I have friends who I know give hugs that turn my day completely around.  I have friends that know what things make me smile and fill me with warmth.  I really am so blessed, and though I have been through friendships in my life that didn’t turn out so well, I’ve learned to be a better friend because of them.

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I feel like learning to be a good friend is something you learn throughout your entire life.  At least, that’s how I feel like it will be for me because I indeed feel everything so very deeply. I’m learning every day to be thankful for the emotions I have, the things I go through, and just the person who I am.  That’s what recovery is all about.  I am learning not just to accept these things, but to truly love them.

{a little self love for your sunday}

when you hate your legs,

remember that they carried you

through the hardest parts of your life.

they get you out of bed every day 

and take you to what you love.

when you hate your stomach tumblr_mt9u2vvheS1rkrgxgo1_500

remember that it helped you gain

strength. it holds the memories of

deep laughter & great meals. it is

full of warmth & joy.

when you hate your arms,

remember that they are strong

so that makes you strong. but they 

are also soft and can be used to 

hold the ones you love. 

{“Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart.”}

Today, I was tagged by some lovely people on my instagram for the 20 Beautiful Women Challenge, where I had to post of picture of myself in which I truly felt beautiful and then had to tag 20 other women to do the same.  And as I was thinking of who to tag, Audrey Hepburn crossed my mind, and it might sound weird, but I wish I could’ve tagged her in this challenge.  That would be funny to think of Audrey Hepburn having an instagram, but she was such a beautiful human being, I couldn’t help but think of her.

Some people know Audrey Hepburn as an actress in movies such as Breakfast at Tiffany’s and some people know her as a fashion icon, modeling the brilliant designs of Hubert Givenchy.  What some people don’t know is how beautiful Audrey Hepburn was, not just of face, but of heart.  She was a mother, a humanitarian, animal lover, and just an all around beautiful person.

My love for Audrey started years and years ago because I’ve always been an old film lover and when I first saw her on screen, I was captivated by her unique beauty and the way she delivered line after line, flawlessly. The first film I saw her in was her first big screen movie, Roman Holiday and I couldn’t help but love the way she lit up a screen.  She inspired me.  It led me to watching more and more of her movies, learning more about her life and the person behind the numerous amount of characters she played.

And what I found out was so breathtaking to me, as well as admirable.  She became someone I wanted to model my life after.

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Audrey Hepburn was so talented, known for her beauty, elegance and grace. During much of World War II, which she went through during her childhood, she studied to be a prima ballerina in the Netherlands. After the Nazis invaded the country, Hepburn and her mother struggled to survive. She helped the resistance movement by delivering messages. The war shaped Hepburn to be the lovely person she grew up to be. One who had an outlook on life and treated everyone with love. She never failed to see everyone’s beauty as well as everyone’s true worth.  She looked at people how the Lord sees us. How lovely is that? How wonderful would it have been to meet this woman in person? She received amazing reviews and awards for her performances in film, but  her acting career took a backseat, for what she wanted most was a child.  After multiple attempts and miscarriages with her husband Mel Ferrer, Audrey had a son and named him Sean.  And she loved him immensely…she was born to be a mother.

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She then had another son, in another marriage and named him Luca.  In countless articles, Luca has spoken about how lovely a person his mother was. He spoke of her love for cooking with colors, helping her kids study their hardest for tests in school, wearing pearls over any type of jewelry, tending to her garden, especially her love for white tulips…they were her favorite flower.  He also spoke of her immense love for animals and the compassion that she showed them, like the love she showed people.  She owned a dog name Mr. Famous and also a pet fawn that she would bring along with her everywhere, even to the grocery store. How adorable!!

Audrey then became an ambassador for UNICEF, doing missions work for children in countries such as India & Bangladesh, as well a other countries.  She spent time helping children in need to get medical attention.  She helped with the construction and initiation of clean water wells.  She showed unconditional and selfless love.  The children that she was aiding didn’t recognize her as some big movie star, but as a light and a savior to them.  And that’s what is most inspirational to me.  She was totally selfless.

UnknownnSadly, Audrey died in 1993 of colon cancer and she’s buried peacefully in the Swiss countryside, where she found solace in the last years of her life.  I don’t know if she struggled immensely with her cancer and if she was in a lot of pain because of it, but I hope that a woman as wonderful as her was granted some grace, so hopefully it was peaceful.

I hope this was interesting for you guys to read and you have fallen in love with the woman Audrey was, not just by her amazing talent as an actress or her amazing fashion choices throughout the years.  And I hope this has given you more insight as to how wonderful she is.  If you’ve never seen one of her films, I suggest watching one…Roman Holiday, Funny Face, & Breakfast at Tiffany’s are my favorites and while you watch, don’t just marvel at the beauty of her portrayal of a character, marvel at how beautiful she was as a human being herself. photos-audrey-hepburn-rome-italy.sw.0.audrey-hepburn-rome-style-ss01

Favourite Quotes & Sayings & Such

I’m starting to get addicted to posting on my blog…I always have had a lot to say, but I didn’t know how and where to put it into words.  This I feel is such a great outlet and I couldn’t be more thankful.  I thought this evening as I’m sitting her, listening to Bon Iver with a hot bowl of soup, that I would share some of my favorite quotes that I find to be lovely.  I keep a journal full of them and I’m adding to it constantly.


The best thing to hold onto in life is each other.” -Audrey Hepburn

Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy.” -Anne Frank

My mother told me I had a chameleon soul, no moral compass due north, no fixed personality; just an inner indecisiveness that was as wide and as wavering as the ocean.” -Lana Del Rey 

“Cast all you anxiety on Him because He cares for you.” -1 Peter 5:7

“We cast away priceless time in dreams. Born of imagination, fed upon illusion and put to death by reality.” -Judy Garland

Do what you love. Love what you do”

“A friend is one who overlooks your broken fence and admires the flowers in your tumblr_ng3x875W221tztprgo1_500garden.”

“What you have to decide is how you want your life to be. If your forever was ending tomorrow, would this be how you’d want to have spent it? Listen, the truth is, nothing is guaranteed. You know that more than anybody. So don’t be afraid. Be alive.”

“Remember to be proud of yourself. No victory is too small.”

Do things with passion or not at all.”

She woke up one day and decided to stop neglecting her body and start treating it like a temple instead.”

Love people, not things. Use things, not people.”


There are so many other ones, but I wanted to share with you some of my absolute favorites.

Relationship Status & Intelligence Do Not Define Worth. Repeat. Repeat Again.

A lot of thoughts have been going through my head today, a lot of self degrading thoughts to be exact.  I keep getting so down on myself about being single and have never had a boyfriend.  Yeah I know, shocking in this day and age right? A 19 year old without having been in a serious relationship? Anyways…I get so down on myself thinking that no one will ever love me that way because of the immense amount of insecurities I have. These thoughts and feelings then lead to ones of self doubt and incompetence and then having my mind convince me that even the people in my life that I know love me, somehow secretly hate me.  I don’t know….it’s just how my mind works.  I would do anything to not have these anxious thoughts all the time, but I do.  I’m constantly worried about other peoples’ opinions of me.  I just need to keep in mind that those opinions do not define my worth as a human. The fact that I’ve never been in a relationship doesn’t define my worth either.  I have very high standards for the man/men that I will end up dating.  I’m not one of those girls who feels they have to be in a relationship all the time.  I would rather have high standards, than feel that I need to be in a relationship or even talking to a guy to feel loved or worthy. I know people who are like that and to be honest, I would hate to be one of them. tumblr_n432qn0sZ21spcm9lo1_1280

Also today I have been struggling a lot internally with my intelligence. With my anxiety disorder, school is very much a challenge for me. I get overwhelmed very easily and hate smaller sized classes where I can be easily put on the spot to answer a question. I had one class last semester like that and I would get so worked up and have a panic attack before the class, that I would end up making myself sick and then just not go to the class. It takes a long time for me to grasp concepts so that leads to feelings of incompetence as well. It just feels like a neverending cycle. I’m surrounded by so many smart people all the time and all I can do is compare myself to them and overthink every single little thing. I know that I’m intelligent in things like life experience, making me a lot more mature than the people my age, but I can’t help but get down on myself a lot since I’m in class every single day and I’m surrounded by people that I’m convinced will go farther than me in life and it just makes me feel worthless. I have to keep in mind every day that my intelligence is not a key factor of who I am, that maybe I’m stronger in other areas of my life than some other people might not be. We can’t all be perfect at everything.